Tag Archives: Jesus

Autobiography

50 JESUS; YESTERDAY, TODAY, FOREVER


WE HAVE entered anew the mystery of Ordinary Time in the Liturgical Year, the first experience of Ordinary Time in this new millennium, this Jubilee Year.

 

I have pondered this mystery in my heart today as I am also recalling that time in my life when, indeed, Christ was making all things within me new through the mystery of the call to priesthood.

This afternoon I took a break from my prayer and spiritual reading to treat myself to the movie Titanic, which I had originally seen when it premiered.

My heart was struck how that disaster was truly a Babel experience for early twentieth century civilization, for it so traumatically demonstrated the limitations of technology because of human arrogance.

Then my heart reflected upon that other technological trauma, the atom bomb, and how it too showed us the dangers inherent in our misuse of what we discover.

These reflections led my heart to the Holy Rosary, the simple prayer of children and adults, of childlike hearts.

The prayer: which weaves into our hearts contemplation of the mysteries of our redemption: the life, passion, death, glorification of Christ.

The prayer: which invites us to place our hands in the hand of the Mother of the Redeemed.

Once again watching that movie, Titanic, my heart was struck by the powerful scene of the priest, holding desperately with one hand onto a ship’s cable stock, his other hand holding onto a desperate soul, she in turn being clung to by others.

The priest is first shown praying the Hail Mary and then quoting from Revelations.

Scene of a modern flood, a sinking tower of Babel, children crying out to their Heavenly Mother, confident she will speak to Jesus of them, the priest a living bridge between terror and peace, darkness and light, despair and hope, sin and mercy, death and eternal life.

This is the challenge to we priests in this new millennium, to, like that priest on the deck of the Titanic — granted, a movie priest on a movie set, nonetheless a valid symbol — hence like that priest we are called, in spite of our own inner struggles with doubt, battle with fear, to stand firm, one hand holding the Anchor Himself, Jesus, the other, holding the hands of the world.

It means, as at our ordination when we lay cruciform before the laying on of hands and our consecration by the Holy Spirit, the shape of our priestly lives, our very being, is the Cross.

It is the shape of Christ.

It is, no matter what may be happening on the surface of our beings, to dwell always in sheer joy!

So my heart was moved then to meditate upon the central phrase from Sacred Scripture Pope John Paul has constantly repeated as the prism word through which the illumination of the Holy Spirit shall shine, be poured lavishly, into souls this Great Jubilee Holy Year: Jesus who was, is, always will be with us. [Hb. 13:8]

The great truth of this cry from Hebrews is found in the very mystery which is the central theme not only of the Jubilee, but is also the very summit and the very source of our sacramental life: the Most Holy Eucharist.

Christ IS the same in His Real Presence, yesterday, today and forever.

In the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass we rightly proclaim, at Christmas, the today of His Birth, at Easter that this is the night of our redemption, the day of His Holy Resurrection.

Through the mystery of the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, of His Real Presence, we can enter the Bethlehem cave as surely and as in reality as the shepherds and behold the Child; take the place of the woman, our sister, at His feet and bathe them with our own tears; the place of the blind man, the prodigal, the Good Thief, our brothers, of the woman at the well, the ointment bearing women at the Tomb; take our place among those in the room on Holy Thursday — as indeed happened at my ordination — in the Upper Room at Pentecost.

All men and women who would believe are invited to open wide the doors of their being and encounter Christ in all His mysteries.

This is the wisdom known to the childlike of heart when they pray the Rosary and contemplate the mysteries; enter into those same mysteries, led deeply by the hand of Mary.

This is the illumination granted each soul who participates in the communion of Love during Holy Mass.

This is the reality of life lived sacramentally.

Christ, like a divine leaven, always and ever more fully penetrates the life of humanity, spreading the work of salvation accomplished in the Paschal Mystery. What is more, He embraces within His redemptive power the whole past history of the human race, beginning with the first Adam.

The future also belongs to Him: “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever “ (Heb.13:8). For her part the Church “seeks but a solitary goal: to carry forward the work of Christ Himself under the lead of the Holy Spirit, the Paraclete. And Christ entered this world to give witness to the truth, to rescue and not to sit in judgement, to serve and not to be served “. [cs]

Standing on the shore looking out across the ocean, the burial place of thousands of souls over the millennia, walking amid the rubble of Hiroshima, hearing the cries of starving children, seeing the horrible films of death camps, it is understandable we can wonder, as the humble Rabbi who taught me about the theological challenge of the Holocaust did — as the equally humble woman survivor of Hiroshima also taught me — what of God, where God, when such things happen?

At such a moment, in the utter desperate depths of such a question, as the waters reach our necks and we sink in the mire without a foothold, when our throats are raw with crying out, eyes burned dimmed scanning the horizon as we seek our God-(Ps.69)-, the place to the Father is where His Son is, upon the Cross, within the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass — there Christ is in the depths of all human suffering, the desperation of every human shuddered ‘why?’ — but His being there is not the fullness of His being the same, ‘ yesterday and today and forever ‘, for that fullness we must go to the empty Tomb and listen, for He approaches, calling us by name!

….it is helpful to recall the words of the Pastoral Constitution Guadium et Spes: “ The Church believes that Christ, who died and was raised up for all, can through His Spirit offer man the light and the strength to measure up to his supreme destiny. Nor has any other name under heaven been given to man by which it is fitting for him to be saved. She likewise holds that in her most benign Lord and Master can be found the key, the focal point, and the goal of all human history. The Church also maintains that beneath all changes there are so many realities which do not change and which have their ultimate foundation in Christ, who is the same yesterday and today and forever. [ct]

 

 

 

Autobiography

41 A FIRST STEP OUTSIDE THE VILLAGE

41   A FIRST STEP OUTSIDE OF THE VILLAGE

 

RECENTLY IN L’OSSERVATORE ROMANO, there has been, at least in the English edition which I receive each week, a continuing series on the pastoral challenge presented by the world-wide phenomena of an apparent increase in the incidence, and acceptance of, overt homosexuality.

 

The striking fact of this series is the solid pastoral compassion ( love ) and the equally solid orthodoxy (truth) setting before the eyes and hearts of all people Church teaching of revealed truth about the dignity of the human person and the holy mystery of human persons being endowed with pro-creative capability.

While in the early stages of the healing process, begun under the guidance of my spiritual father, I could not have articulated the following, I was becoming aware of the same facts: 

The homosexual condition is difficult, sometimes tragic, and not only because of the obstacles it can encounter in society and the injustices of which it can be victim, but also because of its narcissistic quality. This quality is expressed in the continual attempts at ‘self-recovery ‘ and in searching for the ‘better self ‘ or the ‘ missing self ‘ in another person. [cd-1]

This latter point about the attempts at self-recovery, seeking the missing self, would for years be a type of false-start distraction for me.

To be sure, during the same period, I would indeed embrace the call to chastity, return to the faith and sacramental life, and discern my true vocation and so forth.

But in a strange way, rather than seek Christ in and for Himself, there would be a degree of seeking to find in a relationship with Christ, in the life of grace, even in discernment of vocation, a type of self-recovery, of finding the missing-self, which would significantly interfere with what true conversion is ultimately about: I NO LONGER LIVE, CHRIST LIVES IN ME!

The homosexual approach is really one of identification and possession. According to Miller it is easier for two homosexuals to regard each other as narcissistic extensions of themselves than to be involved in mutual exchange. [cd-2]

This, especially in the early stages of conversion and healing, is extremely difficult to face, because the intricately crafted illusion of mutuality, of giving to the other in same-gender relationships, belies the self-centered and other devouring truth.

It means accepting that beneath the intricacies lies the chasm of sheer loneliness which is the stillborn child of the constitutive non-complementarities inevitable in homosexual so-called, in reality pseudo, unions.

Only Christ can fill the void — and it is, as in the actual beginning — the Spirit Himself who hovers over the void and re-creates, restores, Christ and His Life within us.

If not only those who struggle with homosexuality, but with any form of other involved sexual adventurism, of self-gratification, be humble, that is truthful, all such activity will then be confessed as the idol-worship narcissism search for the self from whom I have become split, beside whom I walk, in dark ignorance.

The common notion of the Greek myth about the god Narcissus is that he fell in love with himself — which is true to a point. The point being he fell in love with what appeared as his self-reflection when he gazed into the water. In fact what he saw was a distorted ( by the very nature of the refracting reality of water and light), and inverted ( the mirror principle ) image of himself, a false-self.

That is the tragedy of narcissism.

It is not even love directed towards the real self — rather it is a disordered love directed towards the false-self. Ultimate egoism!

Socarides says without hesitation that in a homosexual relationship each partner plays his role, ignoring the complementarity of a sexual union, as if the act were consummated in ‘splendid isolation ‘ from the other individual, simply as a stratagem for portraying a one-sided emotional conflict. Every homosexual encounter is primarily concerned with disarming the partner by means of seduction, prayer, power, prestige, effeminacy or masculinity, in order to derive satisfaction then from the loser. [cd-3]

This should be so obvious as to not need comment.

However it is bound to be vehemently denied because, if accepted, then the whole infrastructure of the so-called gay culture begins to unravel — the whole point of the ‘ bar-scene ‘, for example, is to go ‘ cruising’, that is to seek out a sexual conquest.

Hans Giese rightly stresses that the ‘foreground ‘of the homosexual syndrome comes from ‘clinging to the self ‘. The move towards the other is not completed, while the move towards one’s own sex is shorter, less costly, simpler; but, since one fears the risk of failure, to take this step involves a new risk, that of egotism. Bergler also maintains that the dominate note is always emotional detachment from the other and the focusing of interest on mere gratification. [cd-4]

 

Here we have a vital key to the extremely dangerous practice of suggesting an attempt at heterosexual marriage as some type of ‘ cure’, and, equally the danger of admitting persons to consecrated life who have not at least shown a free and peaceful acceptance of the gift of chastity — for that egotism will express itself in non-genital forms such as materialism, authoritarianism, gluttony, tv-addiction, alcoholism etc.

Since the root cause of homosexuality is a non-completeness of being, the ‘ cure ‘ is the restoration of, that is the completing of, the real person.

Hence true conversion, which may include therapy, a profound sacramental and prayer life, the vigilance of fasting, these are crucial.

No less crucial, especially for the soul struggling to hold on tight to the hand of Christ the Healer leading us out of the village of sexual disorder, of incompleteness as person, and very crucial for all pastors of souls, who are the bringers of the gender-blind, wounded, to Christ, is to embrace with humility the possibly very long, try and try again, aspects of the healing pilgrimage to the far outskirts of the village.

Kardiner notes that the majority of these experiences are due to casual encounters and are ‘ one-night stands ‘, i.e., the essential element is the value the experience has for the imagination and not the lasting human relationship. This easily leads to the desire of arousal for its own sake, to repetition and finally anonymity, the discovery of the other not being worth the effort….In short, for the homosexual there is the proximate danger of falling into such anonymous, repetitive and even more demanding sexual behaviour that it becomes a kind of addiction……[cd-5]

 

An incident from my own life illustrates this point.

Being a true addict I also became addicted to more incautious forms of anonymous encounters and found myself one evening in the clutches of a sadist with a knife at my throat.

I survived the ordeal, but it did not lessen my addiction.

With every grace of conversion and healing the soul is invited to trustingly join Christ in the desert where He Himself battled and defeated the tempter.

It is Christ who wages the greater battle in the spiritual warfare encountered by every soul. Seeking to actively participate with Christ, which is to co-operate with Christ’s healing action, each soul must willingly embrace the battle, and endure, by the gift of grace, grace of perseverance and trust.

Satan, who has long claimed the soul for his own, will, of course, seek to discourage, frighten, entice, cajole, and seduce the soul back from intimacy with He who is our Life, our Light, the Way and the Truth. Satan wants to drive the soul back into the dark ignorance.

Some words of encouragement and wisdom then from those early great spiritual warriors, the Fathers of the Desert:

A brother asked Abba Agathon about fornication. He answered, ‘Go, cast your weakness before God and you shall find rest.’ [ce-1]

Abba Theonas said, ‘When we turn our spirit from the contemplation of God, we become the slaves of carnal passions. ‘ [ce-2]

 

The following shows how priest-confessors must not only be compassionate but willingly take on, help carry the burden, of humble and contrite hearts — it is the mysterious and blessed vocation of being a co-struggler:

It was related of a brother who had committed a fault that when he went to Abba Lot, he was troubled and hesitated, going in and coming out, unable to sit down. Abba Lot said to him, ‘What is the matter, brother? ‘He said, ‘I have committed a great fault and I cannot acknowledge it to the fathers.’ The old man said to him, ‘Confess it to me, and I will carry it. ‘Then he said to him, ‘I have fallen into fornication and in order to do it, I have sacrificed to idols. ‘The old man said to him, ‘Have confidence; repentance is possible. Go, sit in your cave, eat only once in two days and I will carry half of your fault with you. ‘After three weeks, the old man had the certainty that God had accepted the brother’s repentance. Then the latter remained in submission to the old man until his death. [ce-3]

 

Another aspect of the above example is that once we have confessed our sin, received absolution, we must not only fulfill the penance given to us, as act of our co-operation with grace, but we must enter the struggle for purification, inner healing, release from inner-vows — a struggle which may be brief or of long duration — praise to His Holy Will in all such matters — and also we need to remain humble, docile, in true, trusting, acceptance of the directives from, obedience to the guidance of, a holy spiritual father.

The final example shows what to the overly sensitive modern, rationalistic mind may appear as pretty rough justice! In truth, it is our failure to comprehend the raw reality of spiritual warfare — the struggle to overcome our tendency to sin — that may cause some to miss the point of the example that follows. Here, truly, the heart needs to listen.

The point is basic — confession of sin, struggle to repent and open our beings to purification and healing by the Holy Spirit — the restorative power of the Holy Eucharist — communion of love — for the point of conversion is that we be restored to Christ so that: I NO LONGER LIVE, CHRIST LIVES IN ME.

The length of any struggle should never discourage us.

The victory is Christ’s.

Christ IS our co-struggler, for He struggled and overcame temptation, sin and death before, and for us.

Christ IS our salvation; our healing; our communion; our Way, Truth, Life.

Christ IS everything.

Our joy: to struggle.

He has come that His joy may be in us so that our joy may be complete.

Christ’s joy is that He has accomplished our salvation.

Abba Phocas also said, ‘When he came to Scetis, Abba James was strongly attacked by the demon of fornication. As the warfare pressed harder, he came to see me and told me about it, saying to me, “Tomorrow, I am going to such and such a cave but I entreat you for the Lord’s sake do not speak of it to anyone, not even my father. But count forty days and when they are fulfilled do me the kindness of coming and bringing me Holy Communion. If you find me dead, bury me, but if you find me still alive, give me Holy Communion.” Having heard this, when the forty days were fulfilled, I took Holy Communion and a whole loaf with a little wine and went to find him. As I was drawing near to the cave I smelt a very bad smell which came from its mouth. I said to myself, “The blessed one is at rest. “ When I got close to him, I found him half dead. When he saw me he moved his right hand a little, as much as he could, asking me for the Holy Communion with his hand. I said to him, “I have It. “ He wanted to open his mouth but it was fast shut. Not knowing what to do, I went out into the desert and found a piece of wood and with much difficulty, I opened his mouth a little. I poured in a little of the Body and the Precious Blood, as much as he could take of Them. Through this participation in the Holy Communion he drew strength. A little while after, soaking some crumbs of ordinary bread, I offered them to him and after a time, some more, as much as he could take. So, by the grace of God, he came back with me a day later and walked as far as his own cell, delivered, by the help of God, from the harmful passion of fornication.’ [ce-4]

 

Perhaps, you the reader are not in bondage to any sexual sin, to any kind of fornication.

Whatever the sin struggled with, whatever the addiction, whatever the doubt, whatever the depths of bitter-roots or the tenacity of inner-vows, Christ IS the only Way, the only Healing, the only Truth, and our only true Life.

In the Roman Liturgy, the central act of faith, the sacred celebration of the summit of sacramental, of faith life, is the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass.

Before the reception of Jesus Christ, in His Real Presence, in the reality of His Body and Blood in Holy Communion, priest and people proclaim out loud together a vital prayer — do we contemplate these words enough — do we utter them from the depths of our being as the opening wide of the doors of our being to Him?: LORD, I AM NOT WORTHY TO RECEIVE YOU, BUT ONLY SAY THE WORD AND I SHALL BE HEALED.

 

 

Autobiography

40 THE CONVERSION BEGINNING UNFOLDS

40   THE CONVERSION BEGINNING UNFOLDS

 

THIS MORNING I spent several hours in prayer and the celebration of Holy Mass.

A great joy permeated my being. Joy and gratitude for this extraordinary grace of these months in semi-solitude, to write, pray and paint.

 

What a lavishness of grace for my own being in this Jubilee Year.

What a Gospel ‘talent’ not to be wasted but rather, by fidelity to the duty of the moment as a priest-writer, to labour with words until the work is done.

Then: to let go of it, for the Lord to use, as He wills.

Even if that use means, once written, this work, through the discernment of my spiritual father, is never published.

So as I write in my heart echo lines from Psalmist seeking discernment, understanding, giving praise and crying longing. [Ps. 119: 169-176]

IT IS a great mystery that God, Father, Son, Holy Spirit, does not force Himself upon us, does not, when we yearn for true conversion of heart, remove from us our freedom to resist His invitation to repent and return to Him. 

The extraordinary grace, the seed-sowing within the depths of my being of His word:’ come home My child’, poured into my being during that charismatic rally at the time of the death of Pope Paul VI on the feast of the Transfiguration.

To be accomplished, this transformation — for He so wills it — my free-will consent and co-operation with grace were/are required.

Only when I would truly open wide the doors of my being to Christ would any conversion take firm root, repentance begin to flower. Only when I would humble myself, by grace of course, and have recourse to sacramental confession, wherein my sins would be forgiven, might the healing process — Christ Himself, the Healer — become increasingly efficacious, as the Gospel reveals. [Mt. 9:1-8]

The trees are all in bud as I write once again.

Warm spring rains fall upon the small patch of grass outside my basement window. I can hear, but not see, little rivers of water washing across the parking lot, some ten feet higher up the slope from my window.

This is my basement cave!

In the old days a priest serving an institution, such as this home for the infirm, would have been granted a decent set of rooms — nowadays no one has much respect for themselves, let alone for others.

The priest is seen as a sort of unavoidable nuisance. Handy to have around when someone is dying, but otherwise best he remains hidden in his ‘cave’.

In my first few weeks here it was difficult to be down in here. Now it is a place for my heart, in the great hermitical tradition of all those who voluntarily have entered actual caves over the centuries to be alone with You.

I must not waste a moment of this precious space or time.

The news today announces Pope John Paul is off to visit Lebanon, a place soaked with fraternal blood through inter-religious civil war and hatred.

Why do we hate so much?

In mid-fall of the year of three Popes my new spiritual director contacted me by letter and phone.

Eventually I began to visit him, to open my heart, to attempt to listen and even to go to confession truthfully.

This was very difficult the first few times, for it meant admitting not only my sinfulness but my absolute need of God.

Fall unfolded into winter. I still found myself occasionally engaged in my habitual patterns.

However there was waging within me a true struggle against the satanic darkness and neurotic fears which had such a hold on my being, and, a real hunger to enter into the light.

Looking back I understand now part of the struggle was an inner expectation of spiritual magic. Namely, that it sufficed I wanted to be converted, healed, set-free from what had me in bondage — but converted, healed, set-free WITHOUT the divinely ordained ordinary process of progressive conversion, healing, release.

Only decades later would I appreciate what tremendous patience my impatience, and easily provoked discouragement, exacted from my spiritual director, whom I came to see more accurately as not only the friend of my soul but as my spiritual father, which is how I see him now.

My heart has come to see in the progressive process of conversion, healing, release — (keeping in mind, of course, that God sometimes does grant the miracle of an instantaneous conversion) — what appears to be the ordinary pilgrimage, wherein the Holy Spirit divinizes the soul, of which the Gospel account of healing found in Mark 8: 22-26 illuminates the mystery of progressive healing.

Here is what this Gospel passage says to my heart:

THERE is a place to which we must all come, — Christ Himself being the actual ‘place’ — being brought there by our brothers and sisters through their prayer for the conversion of sinners. That place is also the Church — participation in the sacramental life of the Church specifically.

THIS is the place per se of encounter with Christ, Saving Healer, who draws us to Himself because He loves the Father and loves us.

He is, in a sense, drawn to us through His own love for the Father and for us.

Our being drawn to Him is assisted through the plea on our behalf of our brothers and sisters at prayer, of Holy Mother the Church herself at prayer for the conversion of the world.

Critical is the prayerful intercession also of our Blessed Mother Mary, and of all the Saints and Blessed in heaven.

CONFESSION of our blindness is essential.

Perhaps, as would appear to be the case with the blind man in this Gospel passage, if not by spoken articulation, at least by the eloquent poverty of simply being in the place of encounter with Christ.

WE MUST be touched by Christ, therefore when He offers His hand to us to lead us into the depths of repentance, conversion, release, healing, we must accept — always we are endowed with free-will — His touch.

WE MUST willingly be led by Christ away from the place/places wherein we dwell in the dark ignorance of hell — for our blindness is not only interior but is exacerbated and facilitated by our dwelling in the places and companionship of accomplices.

SPITTLE is used here by Christ because He had not yet shed His blood — His Heart had not yet been torn open by the lance so the ‘ blood and water ‘ [ Jn.19:34] — the river of sanctifying grace, of sacramental life — was not yet pouring forth upon us.

It is sanctifying grace through the sacraments — especially of Baptism, Confession, Holy Eucharist — which the Holy Spirit uses as the forgiving, converting, releasing, healing touch of Christ.

ONCE touched the question posed is a query by Christ of the soul ascertaining the soul’s co-operative willing participation in the forgiveness-­converting-healing-releasing-sanctifying process which unfolds through the holy action touch of Christ Himself.

THE SOUL’S response is not merely affirmative but an accepting admission of struggle — the blindness is deeply bitter-rooted, the blind attitude deeply inner-vowed as a commitment to rebellion against the very Eternal Father who so loves us He has given us Jesus, who with the Father, so loves us the Holy Spirit is given to us to Purify and Sanctify every soul who believes in Him and willingly receives Baptism, gateway to all sacramental life.

THE SECOND touch — maybe for some of us more resistant, more deeply wounded, more profoundly addicted to our blindness, a third, fourth, innumerable touches  are required— in either case there will come what is the final touch of complete healing, total conversion, absolute release — the grace of communion of love, union with the Holy Trinity.

EVERYTHING  now is seen distinctly, that is, our true relationship with the Trinity, our brothers and sisters, self, — we see clearly everything about life, about the danger of temptation, the destructive folly of sin, the absolute need we have of Divine Mercy.

DO NOT EVEN GO INTO THE VILLAGE is the divinely uttered, tender yet imperative caution.

We MUST heed this urgent Divine admonition NOT to return to the place and accomplices of our dark ignorance.

Such a return would be a refusal, a rejection of the very grace just given, a turning away from the Divine Self-Giver, Giver of Light, Truth, Healing, and Salvation.

 

Autobiography

34 A SOUL ENTERS THE NEW MILLENIUM

O HEAVENLY FATHER it has pleased You in the mystery of Your incomprehensible — yet as tangible as the very reality of my existence — love for me, and the billions of my brothers and sisters on the face of the earth in this moment — that we should have crossed the portal into this new millennium, the third of Your Only-Begotten Son’s Holy Incarnation.

Father, my mind can describe relevant theological facts, my mind can list pertinent observations from nature, even my imagination can gaze as far as my eyes are able into the night sky and marvel that wherever that place is where what is created is not there You are still, You who reveal to us the ultimate purity of being: I AM WHO AM.

Father, both faith and reason sear across my being as the double-edged sword of Your word, revealing yet not defining, touching yet not overwhelming, inviting me to be Yours through obedience to Your Holy Will, written in tenderness upon my heart in the moment of my creation by You — a tenderness which in the same moment blesses me with free will.

Father, for my existence, for the blessing of every moment of life, for the gift of Your Son, for trees, water, stars, snow, rain, food, shelter, for all that is life, for my brothers and sisters, for my enemies, for those who love me, for those who do not, for the gift of the Holy Spirit, for everything — thank-You Father.

O LORD AND SAVIOUR JESUS CHRIST, how aware I am that through the mystery of Holy Baptism I, as a member of Your Mystical Body the Church on earth, am a living treasury of faith, of the Holy Gospel, and as an ordained priest, of the treasure of sacramental life.

Jesus, how my being yearns to truly know You, to follow You into the depths of Your Holy Mysteries, to live the Gospel with my life without compromise.

Jesus, how my being yearns, how I burned with love and desire as I watched the television images of my brothers and sisters across the earth welcome the new millennium. I burned with love for every human being, burned with a desire everyone should not only come to know You and Your Holy Gospel, but that everyone should be in relationship with You and that we should all love and serve one another.

Jesus, by the will of the Father and the outpouring of the Holy Spirit I have been ordained in Your person as priest — in the pure stillness of this dawning of the New Year, New Century, New Millennium, in the rushing lavishness of grace in this Great Jubilee Year — grant I be not only a good and holy priest but truly priest of the poor, the wounded, the anawim.

O MOST HOLY SPIRIT, if we are to move across this new year, century, millennium, with lives that are peaceful, holy and without sin, then we must come not only to know You, but to love, trust, accept and obey all Your movement within our beings.

Holy Spirit, illumine everyone on the face of the earth, not as judgement or condemnation, but as gift of that enlightenment which renders us desirous of surrendering to Your sanctifying activity within our lives and all creation.

O MOTHER MARY, Mother of the Children of this new time, of this new opportunity to begin again in Christ in this moment of grace, intercede for us that we may open wide the doors of our being to Him, without fear.

Meditations

THE SECOND EUCHARISTIC PRAYER

                                                    THE SECOND EUCHARISTIC PRAYER

 

Rooted in a prayer of the priest St. Hippolytus going back to the earliest days of the life of the Church it is thanks to the Second Vatican Council we celebrate once more the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass within this ancient tradition.

A couple of points: scholars may debate the exactness of whom St. Hippolytus was, or how much of his ‘prayer’ is actually in this Canon, however I do sense in my heart that each time we priests pray this Canon, as with the “Roman Canon”, let us strive to be profoundly aware of all priests who, over the millennia, have celebrated Holy Mass and many, most recently in the last century in concentration camps, in the camps of the Gulag, and still in many places of the world where the Church is under assault have/do embrace martyrdom for the faith.

The second point is well known, indeed I admit sometimes doing so myself, namely using this Canon because, bluntly, it is the shortest one.

Speed defeats being seeped in the very Mystery we celebrate!

Lord, You are holy indeed, the fountain of all holiness.

In some ways a simple sentence, yet so filled with truth the heart should tremble with exultant amazement!

We stand before the All Holy One who does not keep holiness within Himself but lavishes this shimmering light filled reality, this fullness of love and life upon us.

When I was a boy I used to enjoy drinking the ice cold water flowing, it seemed, ceaselessly from drinking fountains in the huge park known as the Public Gardens, in the centre of which was a huge, ornate bronze fountain which showered water from a variety of spouts.

Perhaps the greatest, most thunderous ‘fountain’ I have ever gazed upon, listened too, bathed in the spray from, is Niagara Falls.

Even that massive cascade is like a tiny drop from an eye dropper compared to the endless river of holiness which is poured upon and into our being from ‘the fountain of all holiness.’

Let your Spirit come upon these gifts to make them holy,

When I first began this site, began the various meditations and reflections within it, I never expected to be exiled, never expected to be forbidden ‘public’ ministry, never expected I would eventually be so heartbroken by the number of priests who have committed suicide that, while continuing to pray for each, would stop counting how many there are.

In the ensuing years since I wrote the first mediation on the Roman Canon I have been diagnosed with PTSD, struggled through depression by grace, therapy and medication, and am learning that this hidden life of pain and prayer, these are the gifts co-mingled with the bread and wine on the altar.

Each priest who celebrates Holy Mass, and wherever he celebrates, as well as every man, woman and child who participates in Holy Mass, each are themselves, along with all their labours and struggles, faith and doubts, joys and sorrows, sins and virtues co-mingled with the bread and wine, and so when we call upon the Holy Spirit, while first and foremost we are asking Him to come upon the bread and wine we also ask He come upon the fullness of our own being.

so that they may become for us the body and blood of our Lord, Jesus Christ.

The Servant of God, Pope John Paul II, famously cried out to families to “become what you are.”

When we are nourished by Jesus Eucharist we can become what we are by baptism, more and more fully, more and more disciples, witnesses, heralds of the Gospel of Life, salt of the earth, light shining in the darkness of the culture of death.

Before he was given up to death, a death he freely accepted,

Now in my mid-sixties when I pray these words I am struck in particular by the words ‘before, death and freely accepted.’

What am I willing to freely accept for love of Jesus before my own death?

Indeed, for love of Jesus, am I willing to freely accept death?

I mean here not just physical death but the death of the false self, death of my own life plans, death of the way I think things should be not only in my own life but the life of the Church, priesthood, of the world.

The death of my wants, even needs.

he took bread and gave you thanks.

A dear friend asked of me out of the blue the other day: “Do you give thanks?”

At first I was somewhat nonplussed because the question was so unexpected and I don’t recall ever being challenged about ‘thank-you’ since I was a child!

By the grace of God I was able to affirm to my friend that giving thanks is for me like breathing, from awaking in the morning giving thanks for another day of breath of life, and so on throughout the day.

However so frequently in the Holy Gospel, and not just in the accounts of the Last Supper, is Jesus presented to us giving thanks that clearly this is something critical He wishes us to do in imitation of Him.

Holy Mass is the ultimate act of thanksgiving.

It is also, if we embrace this gift, the source of our own capacity to give thanks.

He broke the bread, gave it to his disciples, and said:

I will admit right off here that any personalizing of the rites of Holy Mass disturbs me greatly in the very depth of my being, hence when I see priests who use this Canon, or any Canon, blatantly breaking the Host while proclaiming the above words, yes my being shudders because, more than a serious violation of the rubrics it is out of order.

Jesus, my Lord and my God upon the Cross has His heart broken open, from which open Heart flows the life of the Church.

By His strength, nourished and sustained by Him, I am able to accept having my own heart broken open, that He may enter as He yearns [cf.Rev.3:20] and also that every human being may enter my heart so I might love and serve them as Jesus does.

Part of having my heart broken open is to serve the Church as She wishes to be served, thus Her rubrics, fidelity to them, are one way to serve.

{Of course I never, outside of the celebration of Holy Mass, utter the next words, even though I pray the words of the Canon as I write.}

When supper was ended, he took the cup.

Have you have gazed into an empty cup, chalice?

I mean really contemplated the emptiness?

It is a reality we perhaps don’t think that much about, any more than we focus that much on the beating of our hearts or the reality this entire earth is wrapped in air.

We know air exists, we know we breathe, we also know when air is in rapid movement we feel the caress of a gentle breeze, the exhilarating splash of ocean spray when winds gust or of snow tingling our face in a blizzard.

Mostly though, we rather take the air for granted.

Same thing: with the space, the empty place, of a cup or chalice.

There must be some solid form for there to be that ’emptiness’, which itself finds purpose when its awaiting is fulfilled with hot coffee or cool water on a hot summer’s day.

Jesus we know emptied Himself for us.

If we truly yearn to experience the fullness of Himself poured into us, we must allow the Holy Spirit to empty us of all that is not Jesus.

Again he gave you thanks and praise, gave the cup to his disciples and said:

Outside of the praise-prayers in the Divine Office or within Holy Mass, how often do I praise the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit?

How much of my prayer is about what I want or think I need?

How much is intercession for others?

When I invite the people and my own heart to proclaim the mystery of faith, is this automatic or truly a wellspring of praise, gratitude, witness from my heart?

In memory of his death and resurrection, we offer you, Father, this life-giving bread, this saving cup.

Friends are deeply involved in the ecumenical movement in England and wrote recently about how some Methodist friends said they wished they could believe what Catholics believe about Holy Mass and the Eucharist.

That truly is the deepest aspect of the divisions within Christianity, for tragic as it is that those Churches which have sustained Apostolic succession, therefore the reality of Sacramental Priesthood and Eucharist yet refuse each other shared Holy Communion, even more tragic is the situation of millions of Christians whose ancestors broke that succession, leaving a hunger for Holy Communion, but do not have it.

Equally tragic: those Roman or Orthodox, Protestant, who presume inter-communion before fullness of union.

During every Holy Mass our hearts should yearn for, and beg for, the day when, truly, we will all be one in Him.

We thank you for counting us worthy to stand in your presence and serve you.

We are counted as worthy because we are sealed in baptism and this standing in His presence, the presence of the Father, we are able to do by the action of the Holy Spirit.

Granted most fully and perfectly in Holy Mass, but nourished and sustained by Jesus our Eucharist, every time in each moment we are faithful disciples we are standing and serving.

May all of us who share in the body and blood of Christ be brought together in unity by the Holy Spirit.

Because I celebrate Holy Mass ‘alone’ each day in the hermitage, being among the thousands of priests dismissed from public ministry, and like hundreds falsely accused and yet punished without due process, I am able to take as long with each celebration as I wish: something not possible for priests in parish or other public ministry.

That said when I linger over the above prayer in the Canon I need to look deep in my own heart about my unity, or not, with my Bishop who has acted as he has and cast me out.

Do I truly love and forgive him, remain filially in Christ united with him, my brother priests, indeed with the entire Church, my enemies, the whole human family?

Unity is a Eucharistic grace but it is also a choice of the heart to dwell and act within this grace, or not.

Only if I truly embrace the grace of unity can I sincerely pray as follows:

Lord, remember your Church throughout the world, make us grow in love, together with N. our Pope, N. our bishop, and all the clergy.

The Eucharist, sacrament of communion of love!

Here sometimes I need to struggle, more than linger with affection!

To love, to forgive are not emotions, even though as beings who have emotions we sometimes ‘feel’ love or forgiveness, often as what we need, feeling-wise, but yeah, sometimes as the emotional experience of what we give.

Sometimes a particular Pope, Bishop, Priest, can be, emotionally, very difficult to love, to forgive and then how real is our request that the Lord make us grow in love?

Granted all the above is stating the obvious but in the Gospel context of ‘leaving your gift on the altar and going…’ sometimes here we need to be still and in our hearts go and choose love, choose forgiveness as an act of the will.

Since likely for most of us our emotions are the last wounds to be healed, perhaps only as we are crossing the threshold of hope on our deathbed, best not to focus on what we ‘feel’ in the moment, but rather, by grace, rejoice with what we choose!

Remember our brothers and sisters who have gone to their rest the hope of rising again; bring them and all the departed into the light of your presence.

I am always struck by the profundity of the Memorial of the deceased brothers and sisters in each of the Canons.

It is extremely sacred, but also, if we stand back and really reflect upon it, a deep moment of personal and communal immediate and ancestral awareness, for we can allow all of human history, or rather every human being since Adam and Eve, to pass through the memory of our hearts and the intent of our prayer, confiding each to Divine Mercy.

Here we recognize and honour the ultimate sacrifice of Jesus for the redemption of human beings, and when we pray ‘all the departed’ we confide to His mercy those who, for whatever reason, never met Him or knew Him during their earthly life.

It is a simple prayer of great charity!

Have mercy on us all;

In this moment, in this cry for Divine Mercy, while the “us all” refers in the first instance to those participating in the specific Holy Mass, it is also a cry for the entire Mystical Body, indeed for the entire human race.

Our priestly hearts should be open to a profound awareness of the hopes and anxieties of the entire human family.

make us worthy to share eternal life

Humility in prayer, in imitation of Jesus our perfect prayer to the Father, Jesus of the humble heart, is a stance in truth!

Only Jesus can make us worthy of eternal life and the very sacrifice of the Mass is the truth of His redemptive action on our behalf.

with Mary, the virgin Mother of God,

Pope John Paul chose TOTUS TUUS as his motto: “totally yours”, totally Jesus’ through Mary, a template truly for every baptized life, most especially every priestly life.

with the apostles, and with all the saints who have done your will throughout the ages.

This emphasis on union with the Communion of Saints, both the canonized and not, that is with all our brothers and sisters in heaven, harkens both to Jesus’ word that true believers are not those who exclaim with awe that Jesus is Lord, rather those will, Jesus states clearly, enter heaven who do “…the will of My Father in heaven.” [cf. Mt. 7:21, 22]

May we praise you in union with them, and give you glory through your son, Jesus Christ.

In the book of Revelations we see various examples and hymns of praise, and here we anticipate our participation in that very praise in heaven, by uniting our praise here on earth, with theirs, all in and through Jesus.

Thus the Church wisely urges, if not the entire Canon, at the very least for the priest to sing out the Doxology, more prelude than conclusion of the Canon, prelude to the great prayer to the Father Jesus has given us, the Our Father, whose elements are throughout the Canon we have just celebrated!

Stations of the Cross

Eleventh Station

station

ELEVENTH STATION: JESUS IS NAILED TO THE CROSS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 …”This is Jesus…”[Mt.27:33-54]

This has been long journey of love for You, this journey of life and hope, of mercy, begun at the moment of Your Incarnation when You were conceived by the power of the Holy Spirit in Mary’s womb, this journey when You smiled upon the Shepherds and the Magi, this journey of learning from St. Joseph how to be a man, a worker, this journey from across the years of life, healing, teaching, forgiving, has come to this moment when, just as bread is laid on the paten in Holy Mass, and wine is poured into the chalice, You are laid now, nailed now to the paten of the Cross, soon to be poured out into the chalice of my life, of everyone’s life who will accept You, open the door of our being to You. [Rv.3:20]

You too have already been on this long journey of life with all its joys and sorrows, all its expectations and disappointments, all its wonders, discoveries, challenges.

Life is beautiful.

Life is gift.

Life is not a problem to be solved but experiences to learn and grow from.

Life is to give the gift of love.

Life is precious.

You are precious.

You are loved.

Stations of the Cross

Tenth Station

station

TENTH STATION:  JESUS IS STRIPPED OF HIS GARMENTS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Blessed are the poor in spirit….[Mt.5:3:12]…..I was….naked…[Mt. 25:31-46; Jn.19:23,24]

Security of food, shelter, clothing, affirmation, these I cling to out of a deep fear I admit. Yet here You are O Jesus hungry, thirsty, naked, rejected – I do believe in Your love, You call to cling to no-thing, no-one but You, yet my faith is weak – heal my unbelief!

Life is all about love! You exist because the Father and I and the Holy Spirit, God, created you out of the reality of I AM Love so that you might be loved with infinite of infinite Triune love.

When death comes, the very reality I endured for love of you so even in death you will not be alone, Love will ask only one question: “Did you love Me?”

I will know You love me now and know your answer will be “Yes I have loved You!”, because you will care for Me now by clothing the naked – with clothing if need be, if their nakedness is because somehow they are different you will clothe them with acceptance; if any human being suffers in anyway as best you can you will love Me by being their voice – you will speak for the unborn, for the discriminated against, for the persecuted – in a word you will speak for Me and you will by My voice in the world and in all this I will know you love Me!

 

Stations of the Cross

Fifth Station

stationFIFTH STATION: SIMON OF CYRENE HELPS JESUS CARRY THE CROSS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As they were leading Him away they seized on a man, Simon from Cyrene, who was coming in from the country, and made him shoulder the cross and carry it behind Jesus. [Lk. 23:26;Mk.15:21;Mt.27:32]

You pierce my heart with light O Jesus, light which sings within me: forget self O Priest for you are priest to bear the burdens of every human being.

Simon was a good man, a worker, husband and father. It is true the soldiers forced him to help Me, but once he began to carry the Cross with Me he did so voluntarily.

Why did I allow Myself to be helped? So that Simon might be close to Me and be an example for you on how to meet Me through voluntarily helping others. Always be aware of those around you, the lonely person, the stranger, and the one other human being who needs the gift of your presence in their life.

Stations of the Cross

Second Station

station

SECOND STATION: JESUS TAKES UP HIS CROSS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

First Jesus was mocked, slapped, spit upon, tortured, demeaned as a human person and then He was forced to carry the very instrument of His execution to the place where He was to be killed. [St. Matthew 27:27-31; St. Mark 15:16-20; St. John 19:1-16]

Sometimes Jesus when I read the attacks in the media against the Church, the Holy Father, or experience the weight of parishioners complaining, brother priests and others gossiping, when my own emotions are in a turmoil of neediness, or satan is hounding me with disparaging thoughts – well I am so overcome with fatigue and discouragement I feel like quitting and seeking a return to the lay state, for it all seems just too much.

Why did I endure all the mockery and abuse, the violence? Because I love you and so that any blow of any kind which causes you pain in body, mind, heart, soul know that the greatest amount of the pain comes to Me first so you never have to endure all of it nor endure it alone. I love you and am with you.

To love Me is to love and forgive everyone and never to mock, abuse, hurt anyone, nor to seek fulfillment of your own needs. Tough as it is, to be priest is to be for others, as I am, never seeking to be served, only to serve.

Yes at times you are exhausted, lonely, discouraged – seize those moments to comfort Me is the profound aloneness of My suffering.

In this you will comfort Me with your love.