[a] Healing Your Family Tree, p.10/John H. Hampsch, C.M.F./Our Sunday Visitor Books, 1989

 

[b] Catechism of the Catholic Church, # 2158,59, Concacan Inc. – Libreria Editrice Vaticana, 1994, for the English translation in Canada

 

[c] New Seeds of Contemplation, ch. 5 Things In Their Identity, pp.34, 35, Thomas Merton, New Directions Books, 1972

 

[d] Decree On The Ministry and Life Of Priests, ch. III The Life of Priests, sec. II
Special Spiritual Requirements In The Life Of The Priests, Relation with the World and worldly goods: voluntary poverty, para.17; Vatican Council II, The Conciliar and Post Conciliar Documents, gen. ed. Austin Flannery, O.P., Pp. 895,6; Costello Publishing Company, Northport, New York, 1987

 

[e] GIFT AND MYSTERY, On the Fiftieth Anniversary of My Priestly Ordination: Pope John Paul II; IX Being a Priest Today, p.84; Doubleday, New York, New York, 1996

 

[f] Dominum Et Vivficantem {On The Holy Spirit In The Life Of The Church And The World} Encyclical Letter of Pope John Paul II, May 18, 1986; paras. 38.1 & 38.2; Vatican Translation

 

[g] CHRIST — THE IDEAL OF THE PRIEST, Spiritual Conferences, by the Right Rev. D. Columba Marmion; VII Humiliavit Sempetipsum Factus Obediens, ii Humility and Spiritual Progress, p.119; Sands & Co. ( Publishers) Ltd., London, England, 1952

 

[h] Living Between Worlds, place and journey in celtic spirituality, Philip Sheldrake, Introduction – Place and Journey, p.7; Cowley Publications, Boston, Massachusetts

[i] CIRCLING THE SUN, Meditations On Christ in Liturgy and Time; 3 The Master of Life, Becoming A Living Flame; p.122; Robert D. Pelton; The Pastoral Press, Washington, DC; 1986

 

[j] Cistercian Studies Series: Number Fifty-Three, PENTHOS, The Doctrine Of Compunction In The Christian East, V The Causes of Compunction, Pure Love of God, pp.47,8; Irenee Hauser, sj; Cistercian Publications Inc., Kalamazoo, Michigan, 1982

 

[k] THE SAYINGS OF THE DESERT FATHERS, The Alphabetical Collection, ALPHA, Anthony the Great, # 20; translated by Benedicta Ward, slg, A. R. Mowbray & Co. Ltd., Oxford, England, 1981

[l] op.cit.# 25

 

[m] Letter of His Holiness Pope John Paul II To Artists, The artist, image of God The Creator, para.1, p. I, Special Insert, L’Osservatore Romano, Weekly  Edition in English, n.17(1589)-28April 1999

 

[n] ibid. Para. 2 & 12

 

[o] THE BROKEN IMAGE, Restoring Personal Wholeness Through Healing

 Prayer; Four, The Search For Sexual Identity, Suppressed Masculinity,  Stan’s Story, p.73; Leanne Payne – Crossway Books, Westchester, Illinois, 1981

 

[p] The OXFORD SHAKESPEARE, The Complete Works, Sonnets; # 129, p.767;

 Gen. Ed., Stanley Wells and Gary Taylor; Oxford University Press, Great Clarendon Street, Oxford; 1988

 

[q] CATECHISM OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH, op. cit., para.395

 

[r] TRANSFIGURATION of OUR LORD and SAVIOUR JESUS CHRIST, Chapter Four, Celebration of Transfiguration, Celebration of our  Divinization, p.65; by Joseph Raya; Madonna House Publications,  Combermere, Ontario; 1992

 

[s] CRISIS in MASCULINITY, 1 When a Man Walks Alongside Himself, p.19;

Leanne Payne; Crossway Books, Westchester, Illinois; 1985

 

[t] ADDICTION & GRACE, 1. Desire: Addiction and Human Freedom, Genesis,

 p.13; Gerald G. May, M.D.; Harper & Row Publishers, San Francisco; 1988

 

[u] ADDICTION & GRACE; 2. Experience: The Qualities of Addiction;

Tolerance; p.26; Gerald G. May, M.D.; Harper & Row, Publishers, San Francisco, 1988

 

[v] op. cit.p.27

 

[w] op. cit.p.27

 

[x] op .cit. p.29, 30

 

[y] A TRAVELER TOWARD THE DAWN, The Spiritual Journal of John  Eagan, S.J.; ed. By William J. O’Malley, S.J.; 6 Berkeley Sabbatical;  John of the Cross, p.77; Loyola University Press, Chicago, Illinois, 1990

 

[z] A THOMAS MERTON READER, Edited by Thomas P. McDonnell; Part Two- Magnetic North-Seven: SINCERITY, p.125 – a quotation from No Man  Is An Island by Thomas Merton; A THOMAS MERTON READER ; Published by Image Books, Doubleday, New York; 1989

 

[aa] ASCENT OF MOUNT CARMEL, ST. JOHN OF THE CROSS; Book 1, Ch. 8, paras.1-3; translated by Kavanaugh/Rodriguez: ICS Publications-Institute of Carmelite Studies, Washington, D.C. – 1979

 

[ab] Urodivoi ch. 4 repent; Catherine de Hueck Doherty – 1983 edition by Crossroad Publishing, New York…locate and correct/complete reference                                 

 

[ac] op.cit.

[ad] St. Peter of Damaskos, Bk.1, A Treasury of Divine Knowledge, Introduction: as found in The Philokalia, The Complete Text, Volume 3 –Faber and Faber 1984:Vol. 3; eds. Palmer/Sherrard/Ware

 

[ae] op.cit. St. Makarios of Egypt, Spiritual Perfection

 

[af] op. cit. ibid. Freedom of the Intellect

 

[ag] THE STRUGGLE WITH GOD; 7 The Different Ages Of The Spiritual Life, p. 57; Paul Evdokimov; Paulist Press, New Jersey,1966

 

[ah] CATECHISM OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH: # 1037

 

[ai] BERNARD OF CLAIRVAUX, Selected Works; The Classics of Western Spirituality; Sermons On The Song of Songs, Sermon 50, III.8,p.245; Paulist Press, New York, 1987

 

[aj] THE ROSARY OF OUR LADY, Romano Guardini, The Second Joyful Mystery, the Visitation, p.88; Sophia Institute Press, Manchester, NH; 1994

 

[ak] THE CONFESSIONS OF ST. AUGUSTINE; translated by John K. Ryan; Book 8, Grace of Faith; chapter 11; paragraph 26; Image, Doubleday,  New York, 1960

 

[al] NEW SEEDS OF CONTEMPLATION; 33 Journey through the Wilderness; p.239, Thomas Merton; A New Directions Book, New York; 1961

 

[am] HEART OF THE WORLD; chapter 1, The Flowing Stream, p.19; Hans Urs Von Balthasar; Ignatius Press, San Francisco; 1979

 

[an] ROBERT BELLARMINE, Spiritual Writings; The Classics of Western Spirituality; The Mind’s Ascent To God, Step Six, The Consideration of Fire, Chapter One-God’s hatred of sin Is like a consuming fire, p.107; Paulist Press, New York,1989

  

[ao] DOMINUM ET VIVIFICANTEM [THE LORD AND GIVER OF LIFE]

Encyclical of Pope John Paul II; Part II, The Spirit Who Convinces The World Concerning Sin, section 5, The Blood that purifies the Conscience, para.43.1; Vatican Press translation, 1986

 

[ap] Von Balthasar, op. cit., chapter 5 The Putting-off Game, p.91,2

 

[aq] THE PHILOKALIA, VOLUME THREE; St. Philotheos of Sinai – Forty Texts On Watchfulness, para.1, p.16; The Eling Trust; Faber & Faber, London, 1984

 

[ar] Op.cit., para. 7, p. 18

 

[as] THE COLLECTED WORKS OF ST. JOHN OF THE CROSS; The Ascent of Mount Carmel, Book I, ch. 6, para.3,6; p.85,86; trans. Kavanaugh & Rodriguez; ICS Publications, Washington, DC, 1979

 

[at] op.cit.bk.I,ch.7,para.1

 

[au] Pope John Paul II, Angelus discourse, 1 November 1999; L’Osservatore

Romano, Weekly Edition in English, N.44(1615) – 3 November 1999

 

[av] THE POWER TO ACT – TOWARD A CHRISTIAN EXPERIENCE OF TIME; Catherine Dalzell; The Canadian Catholic Review; February 1993,Volume Eleven, Number Two, pp.9,10

 

[aw] ST.JOHN OF THE CROSS, op.cit., Bk.1, ch.8, para. 7

 

[ax] TERTIO MILLENNIO ADVENIENTE, Pope John Paul II; II- The Jubilee Of The Year 2000, paras. 9,10,; Vatican Press, 10 November 1994

 

[ay] DIVES IN MISERICORDIA, [ On The Mercy of God ]; V. THE PASCHAL MYSTERY; 8. Love More Powerful Than Death, More Powerful Than Sin – para. 2; Pope John Paul II, Nov.30.80

[az] SUNDAY SERMONS OF THE GREAT FATHERS; II – ON THE HOLY PASCH, St. Gregory Nazianzenus – found in Vol. II, p.220; Longmans, Green – London, 1958

 

[ba] DEARLY BELOVED, Volume 3; p.111 – Catherine de Hueck Doherty; Madonna House Publications, Combermere, 1990

 

[bb] THE ART OF PRAYER, complied by Igumnen Chariton of Valamo; The Inner Closet of the Heart by St. Dimitri of Rostov, ch. 1, p. 43;  Faber & Faber, London, 1966

 

[bc] THE HEALING PRESENCE, ch.6, p.73; Leanne Payne; Crossway Books, Illinois, 1989

 

[bd] GRACE IN EVERY SEASON; selections from the writings of Catherine De Hueck Doherty; p.116; Madonna House Publications, 1992

 

[be] JULIUS CAESAR, Act 3, Scene 1; taken from: The OXFORD SHAKESPEARE, p.612; Oxford University Press, Oxford, 1988

 

[bf] THE SEED AND THE SOWER, first part: A Bar of Shadow, ch. 2, p.44-5; Laurens Van Der Post; Penguin Books, 1988

 

[bg] GUADIUM ET SPES ( Pastoral Constitution on the Church in the Modern

 World); PART ONE, The Church and Man’s Vocation, Chapter II, The Community of Mankind, Essential Equality of all Men: Social Justice, para.29

 

[bh] CROSSING THE THRESHOLD OF HOPE; “ The Pope ‘: A Scandal and a Mystery; pp.4-7; by His Holiness Pope John Paul II; Alfred A. Knopf, Canada, 1994

 

[bi] SALVIFICI DOLORIS,( On The Christian Meaning Of Human Suffering ),

 V- Sharers in the Suffering of Christ, para. 24.5; VIII- Conclusion paras.,

 31.6,7; Vatican Translation, 1984

 

[bj] SETTING LOVE IN ORDER, CH. 3: DISORDERED LOVE, p. 71;

 By Mario Bergner; Baker Books, 1995

 

[bk] POPE PAUL VI — taken from LA VITA QUOTIDIANA DE PAOLO VI, By John Magee in MODERNITE DE PAUL VI, pp.137-39 and quoted by Peter Hebbelthwaite in his PAUL VI THE FIRST MODERN POPE, pp.696-97; Paulist Press, New York, 1993

 

[bl] THE STRUGGLE WITH GOD, Part II, ch. 2 – Three Aspects of Evil and the Evil One, pp.71-2; Paul Evdokimov; Paulist Press, 1966

 

[bm] CHRIST THE IDEAL OF THE PRIEST, Ch. V, p. 83; Dom Columba Marmion; Sands & Co., Glasgow, 1952

 

[bn] THE LORD; XII Gethsemane; pp.382-3; Romano Guardini; Henry Regnery

 Company, Chicago, 1954

 

[bo] ST. BERNARD’S SERMONS ON THE BLESSED VIRGIN MARY; V-

Sermon for the feast of the Nativity of the Blessed Virgin Mary; pp.84-87; originally published as a translation from Latin to English in 1921 And re-printed in 1984 by the Mount Melleray Abbey Trust

 

[bp] POUSTINIA; Part II, p.124; Catherine de Hueck Doherty; Canadian Edition,

 Madonna House Publications, 1993

 

[bq] WITNESS TO HOPE, The Biography of Pope John Paul II; 2- From The

 Underground – The Worker; pp.56,7; George Weigel; HarperCollins, New York, 1999

 

[br] NEW SEEDS OF CONTEMPLATION; ch. 3- Seeds of Contemplation; p.16;

 Thomas Merton; New Directions, 1972

  

[bs] A HYMN TO GOD THE FATHER, found in the poetry section of the Divine

 Office and attributed to Ben Johnson; see The Liturgy of the Hours,1976 edition, Catholic Book Publishing Co., N.Y.

 

[bt] POPE JOHN PAUL II, as quoted in L’Osservatore Romano, N.48- ,

1 December 1999, page 2

 

[bu1] SOLLICITUDO REI SOCIALIS, encyclical letter of Pope John Paul II;

 IV- Authentic Human Development, para. 30.3; Dec.30,1987

 

[bu2] CENTESIMUS ANNUS, encyclical letter of Pope John Paul II; IV-Private

Property and the Universal Destination of Material Goods; para.37.1;May 1, 1991

 

[bv] LABOREM EXERCENS; encyclical letter of Pope John Paul II; I- Introduction; para. 1.2; September 14, 1981

 

[bw] SETTING LOVE IN ORDER; 6 – Loving the same sex; The Perfect Lover;

 P.116; Mario Bergner – Baker Books, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 1995

 

[bx] VERITATIS SPLENDOR, encyclical of Pope John Paul II; II – The Church

and the Discernment of Certain Tendencies in Present-Day Moral Theology; paras. 32:1,2,3; August 6,1993

 

[by] CIRCLING THE SUN, Meditations on Christ in Liturgy and Time; 2- The

 Coming Fire, Repent and Believe; pp.62,3; Robert D. Pelton; The Pastoral Press, Washington, DC, 1986

 

[bz] THE LIVES OF THE DESERT FATHERS; translated by Norman Russell;

 The Additions of Rufinus, XX-15, 448-9; Cistercian Studies Series – No.34, 1981

  

[ca] DEARLY BELOVED; Letters to the Children of My Spirit; Volume I,

1956-1963; Spiritual Direction and the Heart of a Child – letter of January 8, 1963; Catherine de Hueck Doherty; Madonna House Publications, 1989

 

[cb] WITNESS TO HOPE; The Biography of Pope John Paul II; 8 – “ Be Not

Afraid! “, a Pope for the World; p.262; George Weigel; Harper Collins,

New York, 1999

 

[cc] Excerpted with my emphasis from L’ Osservatore Romano, N.52 (1623) – 29

 December 1999 — from the homily of Pope John Paul II, Midnight Mass,

 St. Peter’s Basilica, 1999

 

[cd-1,2,3,4,5] CHRISTIAN ANTHROPOLOGY AND HOMOSEXUALITY – 7;

 THE HOMOSEXUAL CONDITION -II.; by Gianfrancesco Zuanazzi; as found in L’Osservatore Romano, edition N.18-30, April 1997.

 

[ce-1,2,3,4] THE SAYINGS OF THE DESERT FATHERS; The Alphabetical Collection, translated by Benedicta Ward, SLG; p.23 # 21; p.80 3 1;P.122 # 2; pp.241-2 # 2; Mowbray, London, 1975

 

[cf] THE POPE’S CHRISTMAS MESSAGE: ‘ Urbi et Orbi ‘; Pope John Paul II;

L’Osservatore Romano, ( English edition); N.52-29 December 1999

 

[cg] THE TRANSFORMATION OF THE INNER MAN; 3- The Evangelical Base

Of Transformation, Part 3, p.55; John & Paula Sandford; Victory House, Inc., Tulsa, OK; 1982

 

[ch] ADDICTION & GRACE; 7.Empowerment: Grace and Will in Overcoming

 Addiction, p.141;  Gerald G. May, M.D.; Harper and Row, Publishers,

 San Francisco; 1988

 

[ci] MAY, ibid, p.133

 

[cj] REDEMPTOR HOMINIS; encyclical of Pope John Paul II; II- The Mystery of

 the Redemption, The human dimension of the mystery of Redemption: para.10.1; March 4, 1979

 

[ck] THE COMMUNION OF LOVE; ch.16: The Holy Spirit in the conflict between the enemy and the Kingdom of God; p. 191; Matthew the Poor; St. Vladimir’s Seminary Press, 1984

 

[cl] THE HEALING PRESENCE; CHAPTER 12- Introspection versus True Imagination; pp.156-7; Leanne Payne; Crossway Books; Wheaton, Ill; 1989

 

[cm] ibid, p.160

 

[cn] THE PLACE WITHIN; THE POETRY OF POPE JOHN PAUL II; translated

By Jerzy Peterkiewicz; pp.70,1; Random House, New York, 1982

 

[co] THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT AUGUSTINE; Book 13 – The Creation of

 The World; Chapter 1- Without You I Am Nothing (1); p.335;  Translated by John K. Ryan; Image Books, New York, 1960

 

[cp] LETTER OF THE SUPREME PONTIFF JOHN PAUL II TO ALL THE

 PRIESTS OF THE CHURCH ON THE OCCASION OF HOLY THURSDAY

 1979; para.11.

 

[cq] THE SAYINGS OF THE DESERT FATHERS; The Alphabetical Collection;

 ETA; Elias, # 7, pp.71,2; A.R. Mowbray & Co. Ltd., Oxford, reprinted 1983

 

[cr] op.cit.# 122., p.185

 

[cs] APOSTOLIC LETTER TERTIO MILLENNIO ADVIENTE; Pope John Paul II; para.56; November 10, 1994

 

[ct] op.cit.para.59

 

[cu] DEARLY BELOVED; Letters to the Children of My Spirit; Volume Three,

 1974-1983; Catherine de Hueck Doherty; Experiencing Sobornost – letter dated September 10, 1978; p.163; Madonna House Publications -Combermere, ON, 1990

 

[cv-1] THE SAYINGS OF THE DESERT FATHERS: The Alphabetical Collection, op. cit; p.28- # 28

 

[cv-2] ibid, pp.1-9; #’s 3,4,5,7,9,25,32

 

[cw-1] THE CONFESSIONS OF SAINT AUGUSTINE; op.cit.p.191, para.14

 

[cw-2] ibid., p.202, para.29

 

[cx-1] THE AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF ST. THERESE OF LISIEUX + STORY OF

 A SOUL; Third Edition translated from the original manuscripts by John Clarke, O.C.D.; Manuscript A – Chapter VII – First Years in Carmel (1888-1890); p.158; ICS Publications; Washington, DC; 1996

 

[cx-2] op.cit.-Chapter VIII- Profession, Offering to Merciful Love (1890-1895); P.179

 

[cx-3] op.cit.p.277

 

[cy] POUSTINA; 10. Liberation In Christ; p.132; Catherine de Hueck Doherty;

 Madonna House Publications; Combermere, Canada; Canadian Edition, 1993

  

[cz] FIDES ET RATIO {FAITH AND REASON}; encyclical of Pope John Paul II;

 Chapter VI: The Interaction Between Philosophy and Theology-para.73; Vatican translation, 1998

 

[da] WITNESS TO HOPE, op.cit.ch.13,p.440

 

[db] OPTATAN TOTIUS; Sec.III. Major Seminaries; para.4; as found in: Vatican Council II, the Conciliar and Post Conciliar Documents; General Editor Austin Flannery, O.P., Costello Publishing Company, Northport, New York; 1987  { italics and capitals for emphasis are mine }

 

[dc] THE SACRAMENT OF THE PRESENT MOMENT; 4.- Surrendering to God-

 The wonders He performs; pp.38-9; Jean-Pierre De Caussade; translated from the original by Kitty Muggeridge; Fount Paperbacks, London, 1981

 

[dd] NOSTRA AETATE; Declaration on the Relation of the Church to Non- Christian Religions; para.4 {cf. For source footnote [de] }

 

[de] Pope John Paul II on his visit to the Rome Synagogue as quoted by Weigel,

 Op.cit.p.485

 

[df-1] POPULORUM PROGRESSIO; On the Development of People’s; encyclical

 Of Pope Paul Vi; para.31; Vatican 1967

 

[df-2] ibid

 

[dg] DEAR FATHER; Introduction-pp.1,2; Catherine de Hueck Doherty; Madonna

 House Publications, Combermere, Canada, 1988

 

[dh] GIFT AND MYSTERY; CHAPTER IV-pp.44-46; Pope John Paul II;

 Doubleday, New York, 1996

[di] CHRIST— THE IDEAL OF THE PRIEST; VII-Humiliavit Semetipsum Factus

 Obediens, iv.- Priestly Obedience; p.124; Dom Columba Marmion; Sands & Co. Ltd, London, 1952

 

[dj] GIFT AND MINISTRY, op.cit.p.69

 

[dk] Marmion, op. cit. P. 174

 

[dl] THE SPIRITUAL LIFE OF THE PRIEST; “ I Have Called You Friends…”;

 p.10; Fr. M. Eugene Boylan, O.C.R; The Newman Press, Maryland,1953

 

[dm] THE OXFORD SHAKESPEARE, op.cit.; p.991 – Macbeth, 4.1

 

[dn] SALVIFICI DOLORIS; Pope John Paul II; paras. 6,7,11,12

 

[do] THE CURE D’ARS TODAY- ST. JOHN VIANNEY; Chapter 10 GRAPPIN;

P.161; George William Rutler, Ignatius Press, San Francisco, 1988

 

[dp] ibid.p.171

 

[dq] SALVIFICI DOLORIS; para.26

 

[dr] OUR HOPE FOR THE NEXT MILLENNIUM by Father John Hardon,

 Appears in: The Catholic Faith, January/February 2000, Vol.6, No.1,p.7

 

[ds-1,2,3] PARADOXES OF THE SPIRIT; as found in DEARLY BELOVED,

Letters to the Children of My Spirit, Volume Two, 1964-1973; by

 Catherine de Hueck Doherty; pp.273,4; Madonna House Publications,

 Combermere, Canada, 1990

IT’S BEEN five weeks since I have sat down to write — weeks in which I have traveled close to 8,000 miles of the nation’s highways. Interiorly only in death will I, or perhaps anyone, know the inward distance.

Since I wrote the previous chapter I have moved twice. First from the rectory in the city where I was assigned some years ago by my Bishop to this industrial city where my spiritual father has said to live, near The Community’s house, while I pilgrim this sabbatical. Then from that first apartment to this house of a friend where I have this little room, dedicated to Blessed Padre Pio, in which to live and write.

The day after moving here the long trip began to visit where decades ago I had been assigned as a layman in the soup kitchen of a great plains city and from whence another trauma occurred like that when the Abbot put me on that train which wrenched me away from my monastic life.

On this latest journey I visited the great mountains of the continent and touched the majesty of our Heavenly Father, or rather was touched by His Majesty.

On that long trip I touched the dying life of my mentor from when I first joined the Community.

Once returned here passed again through the mystery of grief and death, as four friends were called to heaven.

Just the other day I joined the community as we carried the body of my mentor to its final resting place in the sand and rocks at the base of a great hill near the great river, upon which the first martyrs of this continent had traveled in their passion to bring Christ in His Sacrament and Gospel into the lives of our aboriginal ancestors.

After the funeral my spiritual father urged me to resist further travel, to complete this work.

Suddenly a great fear washed over and within my being — having been away from writing for so many weeks, have I lost the flow, the trend, the simplicity, the courage, the ability?

So today since the wee hours of this morning I have fretted, struggled, walked around this house, picked up and laid down again the original notes for this work, unsure, unsure, unsure, until the grace was given: sit, trust, and write.

The man who does not permit his spirit to be beaten down and upset by dryness and helplessness, but who lets God lead him peacefully through the wilderness, and desires no other support or guidance than that of pure faith and trust in God alone, will be brought to the Promised Land. He will taste the peace and joy of union with God. He will, without ‘seeing’, have a habitual, comforting, obscure and mysterious awareness of his God, present and acting in all the events of life. The man who is not afraid to abandon all his spiritual progress into the hands of God, to put prayer, virtue, merit, grace, and all gifts in the keeping of Him from Whom they all must come, will quickly be led to peace in union with Him. His peace will be all the sweeter because it will be free of every care. {al}

 

It is, then, not some stressful, complex, issue of recall or talent or anything like that.

It is a simple matter of obedience, the duty of the moment.

This sabbatical is to do the will of the Father.

The will of the Father is to write, pray and paint, articulated by the Father’s proximate presence in my life, my spiritual father and his directive to me.

So, I pray, I sit, I am touched by grace, I write.

How I love the truth and tradition of every Sunday being celebrated as a Little Easter, for the mystery of His Holy Resurrection is the core reality not only of our Christian Faith, but of the very existence of all creation.

As I celebrated Holy Mass here in the apartment this morning, against a background of sirens, yelling people, on a day when in many countries of the world there are riots, civil war, famine, bombings, hurricanes, brush fires, births, marriages, working, eating, laughing, and, praying, I was so aware of the whole world, the whole human family.

At supper last evening with friends of a friend of mine the husband said he has never met a priest like myself. The difference he said is he finds young priests nowadays are arrogant and have little life experience. You, he said of myself, seem to care about people.

How true it is that a priest must have a passion for people, for his brothers and sisters.

The same passion for them as Christ has.

This came about in the conversation because I was there as much to enjoy their company as to do research for two books I am preparing: one on the priesthood and one on the Gospel and modern economies.

Reviewing the previous chapter of this work on my monastic years there came upon me a temptation to re-write or at least add to the material more details about those years.

I say temptation because in fact that is exactly what it is, a temptation.

It may seem a contradiction, given the detailed openness about the preceding period of my life, and the openness to follow, to be so spare of detail about those years in the monastic desert.

There is no contradiction.

While to a certain extent giving witness, such as in groups like AA, or here, or before a congregation testifying to the marvellous mercy of God in our lives to encourage others to accept Christ as our Saviour, is a holy thing, revealing too much, especially the intimate details between the Divine Bridegroom and we His beloved, is to ignore the sacredness of our being in the depths of our souls, truly, a garden enclosed [Sg. Of Sg. 4:12].

Since it is the Divine Bridegroom Himself who declares the sacredness of that ultimate inner depth, that virginal place within each soul where none other and nothing, no catastrophe, may have entrance save the Divine Bridegroom – and where He is there also is the Father and the Holy Spirit – what occurs there between the Blessed Trinity and the true self — for the false self can never enter this garden — is ineffable.

 

Not only can it not, but it would be a type of sacrilege to even attempt to express, reveal, to others — and in this case all others are indeed truly ‘ outsiders ‘ — what of love’s dialogue takes place within the garden.

So I prayed before the decision to write no more specifically about the monastic period of my life.

After that prayer the other day the phone rang and it was time to go to The Community’s house near here for the celebration of Holy Mass with my Spiritual Father who was visiting.

Before Mass we had a chance to go for a long walk and speak of many things, including how the sabbatical is going and this work.

During Holy Mass as he proclaimed the Holy Gospel my heart was struck that given what has been revealed so far, in particular the impact upon the hearts of readers of so much being endured at the hands or decisions of others, this may trigger within the reader some painful memories, perhaps even some anger towards those responsible for similar experiences of pain, including the self.

Maybe, even some anger towards God.

Before continuing the writing then, it seemed to my heart, there should be a meditation, a realization that as mysterious as the unfolding of our lives may be there is a sacred purpose to our being, Christ Himself, and that in Him all things are possible, as St. Paul reminds us [Rm. 8:28], keeping in mind that God is never outdone in generosity.

 

There is a danger — and not an unreal one since I was guilty of such judging and refusal to forgive myself for decades those who hurt me, sinned against me, rejected, abandoned, failed me in anyway — to become so caught up in pain and those who cause pain that we become a prisoner, an addict, of the pain and bitterness and wonder then why it seems all our prayer for relief is to no avail.

Certainly as I rode on the train away from the monastery after being so quickly, and without warning, dismissed, there was in my heart an overflow of stunned bitterness and anger, an acidic mixture which would gnaw at my heart and soul for decades, being added to all too frequently over the years.

I begin this meditation then in hopes it will reveal to your heart dear reader the essence of the monastic years, the truth of the conversion which later in life broke open my heart to Christ, the necessary first step to being freed of all sin and addiction, with an ancient prayer to the Holy Spirit that He will anoint these words of mine for you.

(It is the prayer I always say before any writing, preaching, and teaching.)

HEAVENLY KING, CONSOLER, SPIRIT OF TRUTH, PRESENT IN ALL PLACES AND FILLING ALL THINGS, TREASURY OF BLESSINGS AND GIVER OF LIFE, COME, DWELL WITHIN US, CLEANSE US OF ALL STAIN, AND SAVE OUR SOULS, O GOOD ONE.

The Holy Gospel proclaimed by my Spiritual Father which was the vessel used by the Holy Spirit to pour this meditation into my heart was: LUKE 6:27-36!

This is the powerful: “But to you I say…” teaching where Jesus turns our relationship with others away from self and totally towards the other.

Indeed here too at the very end Jesus takes us beyond imitation of Himself, as critical as that is for us to truly live out the Gospel, further into the immensity and other centeredness of real love, as He calls us to be imitators of our Abba, of God the Father in His lavishness of merciful love [Lk.6:36].

To understand why, after two thousand years of Christianity such a core teaching of Jesus is not yet the ordinary way of daily life for the majority of Christians, there is an important insight found in the autobiography of St. Augustine:

 MY lovers of old, trifles and vanities of vanities, held me back. They plucked at my fleshly garment, and they whispered softly: “ Do you cast us off? “ and “ From that moment we shall no more be with you forever and ever! “ and again, “ From that moment no longer will this thing and that be allowed to you, forever and ever! “ What did they suggest by what I have called “ this thing and that, “ what, O my God, did they suggest? May Your mercy turn away all that from Your servant’s soul! What filth did they suggest! What deeds of shame! But now by far less than half did I hear them. For now it was not as if they were openly contradicting me, face to face, but as if they were muttering behind my back, and as if they were furtively picking at me as I left them, to make me look back again. Yet they did delay me, for I hesitated to tear myself away, and shake myself free of them, and leap over to that place where I was called to be. For an overpowering habit kept saying to me, “ Do you think that you can live without them?” [ak]

If we be honest within our own hearts, when we hear the words of Jesus spoken to us through the Holy Gospel,  for example in His conversation with the Rich Young Man [ Mt. 19:16ff], do we not repeat what rationalizations are whispered to us by our false selves or the father of confusion, the prince of darkness?

In Christian conversation with each other, let alone with those not of faith, do we feel a need to ‘ explain ‘ what Jesus really meant within the context of greedy, self-first modern life?

Are we so fearful of being somehow labelled as conservative or fundamentalist that we fail to conserve, preserve, and radically live the fundamentals of the Holy Gospel?

From pulpits do we hear an unmitigated commentary on how to truly live this passage as spoken by Jesus – a true call to live the Gospel without compromise?

Or do we hear some form of accommodation with the world psycho-tree-hugging-let’s-not-impose-on others babble?

 

St. Augustine very humbly shows why his conversion was such a long and laborious process. What holds true for the individual soul, as in Augustine’s conversion journey, the long struggle to finally open wide the doors of his being to Christ and with Christ to enter in and dwell from the core of the garden enclosed, appears to hold true for Christianity as a whole.

Hence the humble and passionate plea of Pope John Paul II that, as members of the Body of Christ, the Church, we beg forgiveness of those we have sinned against and be forgiving of those who sinned against us, throughout the entire first two millennia of Christianity.

Broken down into a list of what Jesus, in the passage from St. Luke 6: 27-36, tells us to do truly is a step by step process of loving one another.

A step to becoming in fact what Baptism initiates: our being formed by the Holy Spirit into alteris Christi!:

 

Love your enemies,
Do good to those who hate you,
Bless those who curse you,
Pray for those who mistreat you,
To the person who strikes you on one cheek, offer the other one,
From the person who takes your cloak, do not withhold even your
            tunic,
Give to everyone who asks of you,
From the one who takes what is yours, do not demand it back,
Do to others as you would have them do to you,
Love your enemies and do good to them,
Lend expecting nothing back,
Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful!

Our culture, thanks in no small measure to the so-called ‘ talk ‘ shows on television and the so-called reality ‘ shows, as well as the particular slant given reports of various crimes, creates an atmosphere of blame and vengeance.

Our culture also appears to give litmus-test veracity to what our emotions tell us, hence dispassionate objective thinking is an ever rarer commodity in human interaction in our day.

To love my enemy is not a matter in the first instance of emotional response, but rather of a mature, reflective choice of my free will.

In a word I can listen to the prompting of the Holy Spirit from the depths of the garden enclosed, or, I can listen to the whisperings of the father of lies from the depths of hell seeping into my subjective and disordered emotions.

Millions of people around the world saw on the television news one evening a man dressed in white, his back to the camera, sitting in a simple cell of a prison, leaning towards, conversing with, the very man who had earlier tried to murder him.

Pope John Paul showed the whole world how to love an enemy.

Now it may be argued that the further proof of this love would have been to see to it that the man was freed from jail.

That would have been a nice gesture, itself assuredly immediately second guessed in the press, but it would have denied the reality of justice which is itself a virtue.

To love an enemy does not mean denial of reality, for love and truth are inseparable.

Most of us will never have to forgive a murderer in the physical sense, though in our violent culture many may face such an heroic challenge to love.

Most of us will have to face those who have killed off our good name, or some joyful expectation, or a relationship, and the inner emotional upheaval can almost equate the emotional chaos and grief of death.

Who hates me is not a question easily answered objectively.

At some juncture in our lives most of us, perhaps especially parents and priests, have had some distraught person scream hatred at us.

But in truth who hates me?

Being a white-male there are those who hate me because I am white, others because I am male. Being a white-male-roman catholic-priest there are those who hate me for any part, or combination of, that definition.

In a word we can identify those who obviously hate us for reasons which, while they have an aspect of the personal about them, really amount to our being hated for generic reasons.

Who hates ‘me’ may require some humble reflection on my part, when that individual, (for please God there not be even one, even more please not more than one,) is known to my heart then Jesus’ command to do good- if I live out that command- becomes an occasion of conversion of my own heart, with its capability for bitterness and hatred, being transformed to a heart like His own { Mt.11:29},by the Holy Spirit at work in the good that I do.

When I’m in the express line at the grocery check-out counter and the old lady in front of me has enough items over the limit to cause a ripple of angry tension to wash along the line, what happens in my emotions is akin to, or at the very least the step-child of, hatred.

It becomes internalized though not as MY hating that old lady but clearly SHE must hate me to be doing this horrible thing to me, which is, causing my rush through life to be slowed down infinitesimally.

Not long after I was ordained I was visiting a confrere in his city and in an area of that city particularly hostile to Roman Catholics. My friend begged me not to walk about with my Roman collar on and explained his concern about the hostility it would trigger.

However I did wear my collar and it did trigger hostility, both verbal and physical by means of being spat upon.

Sometimes we are cursed and mistreated in an obvious way as children or adults, and sometimes it happens in ways that are not so obvious.

In either case our emotions figure in there rather radically and, tragically, our culture is full of so-called experts in various fields who will support, or worse suggest, that such and such an all too frequently emotional based response means of handling the process of vindication of our rights will set us free from the damage done……once the dust has settled the offender may, sometimes justly so, been jailed, sued, fired, divorced etc.,….but are we free?

The key to this whole teaching of Jesus, which does demand a radical living of the Gospel, is found in His final word here: BE MERCIFUL JUST AS YOUR FATHER IS MERCIFUL!

Even before telling us that this is the premise behind all the instructions on how to deal with enemies and attackers and the rest, Jesus tells us just HOW our Heavenly Father is merciful, a truth testified to every time the sun rises or the rains come down to refresh the earth [Mt.5:45]!

Why does all this loving, forgiving, enduring, sharing, gifting to those who clearly are enemy to us stand as so important a foundational reality of true discipleship?

 Jesus tells us quite bluntly we will only enter heaven if we have the heart of a child [Lk.18:17]: To become THAT childlike of heart we MUST love our enemies and do good for/to them!

This was not how my heart moved as the train took me away from the monastery anymore than it had been when seven years earlier the train had taken me away from the city of my birth to the monastery.

But seven years in the desert had planted remarkable seeds in the garden enclosed.

Decades would yet pass before those seeds would spring to life, watered by Divine Grace.

Here my heart felt the need however to insert these reflections lest the reader give in to the modern unwillingness to forgive in this culture of death addicted to a form of justice which is anger and hatred cloaked in lawsuits and so-called tough on crime politics, most anti-Gospel serious of all, Christians adhere to those attitudes!

Most importantly of all though, for the Holy Gospel MUST be the template of my life and not the litmus test I perform on others, I, in the writing of the events of my life, must not fail to reveal how much I have been forgiven, and therefore  I must: ‘go and do likewise’, in imitation of our All-Merciful Father.

 

MY BEING today is filled with a strange elixir: joy, co-mingled with sorrow.

Sorrow, because I have just been told one of the most important people to influence my life when I was in my twenties, a true father-figure, has incurable cancer, been given a few months to live.

He lives in the far west, near the great mountains which spine this continent and, given my, by choice, reduced circumstances on this sabbatical, getting out to see him will take not only quick and careful planning, but also the permission of my Spiritual Father, who, providentially, will be arriving in this city at The Community’s house tomorrow evening!

Joy because today is the feast of the Nativity of the Blessed Virgin Mary, Mother of God.

She is our mother too, given to us by Jesus as He hung dying on the Cross.

It was also just under two decades ago on this very day I first began my studies as a seminarian.

My dying friend, mentor, was the first to encourage me as a writer, the first to commission articles and poems from my heart. He also taught me how to be a real man, servant and respecter of women, to use tools with care and efficiency, to love the land, the Holy Gospel, to respect and trust priests; especially, to care for and serve the poor.

Frankly I don’t much feel like praying today, though I did with peace celebrate the Divine Office and early this morning celebrated the Mass of the feast for the women in The Community’s house and enjoyed breakfast with them.

I don’t much feel like writing today, though I am here at this computer, because the duty of the moment is always the place to be with Christ and grief is part of the elixir of life, but not reason enough to abandon obedience and my obedience is to be faithful to the preciousness of each moment of this sabbatical.

Strange mystery the juxtaposition of today’s experience and the actual text of the original notes to open this chapter:

TODAY my heart is far away from this room, this hill, and this day of fierce cold, relentless wind, and darkening sky.My heart is with Our Lady, watching over the bed of a small child, my niece.A routine eye examination led to the discovery of a tumour.Surgery is to be in two days.It is St. Paul, granted referring to the Baptized, who most eloquently takes the words of Jesus about vine and branches {Jn.15:1-10] into the foundational teaching about being members of the Body of Christ and how the mystery both of suffering and honour in the life of one person becomes part of the life of every baptized person {1 Cor. 12:12,13; 26,27 } hence my profound awareness of my niece and what she is enduring.Of course, baptized or not every human being is a member of the one body of humanity and would that we truly embraced this then no one of us would ever tolerate the rejection, abuse, of another, let alone any form of slavery, war, famine, homelessness and indeed we would finally, as one, rise up and defend each sacred living brother and sister from the womb to the tomb.As the train climbed through the railroad yards, the city of my childhood, streams of smoke from the ancient steam engine billowed past the window, against which I had my face hard pressed, to hide my tears.I did not want anyone to see my tears and so internalized the determination never to cry again, never to be weak, rather to survive, that now, forty years later, I have not yet learned to weep.My emotions were in a confused turmoil.True I was finally making my escape, or at least an escape, from the terror of my life in the city which was now left far behind the train as it was cutting a swath through the falling twilight.It was a solitary escape into an unknown country, not to the celluloid dream factory fantasy with my companion.Yet, strangely, there was ebbing up from some unfamiliar depth within me a rivulet of anticipation, even of joy.If you’ve ever bit into something bitter you know the confused rush for the taste buds and the brain at the conflicting sensation of excitement and bitterness. My emotions were like that as the train rattled its way across rivers, through valleys, up foothills, twilight surrendered to night’s shroud and I slept little in my seat. The shroud was suddenly ripped open by the morning sun and in its brilliant light the day’s trip through towns, villages, forests, took me ever further, it seemed, from chaos into the unknown country of sweet release, and I became ever more enamoured of the beauty of this land.As late afternoon came, the train began to slow as we entered the edge of the village nearest the monastery and at that moment I was given a unique grace. Suddenly there sprang into my heart a word from Sacred Scripture, as if spoken on my behalf, perhaps by my Guardian Angel or Patron Saint or Our Blessed Mother or, through the mystery of Baptism, by Jesus Himself, all I know is it was spoken like another boy millennia ago [ 1 Sm. 3: 11].I anxiously peered out the window and there in the evening light stood the Abbot near a modest car.In that soft light he had about him even more of the radiance of a man of the desert than when I had first met him.He greeted me with genuine joy, put my little suitcase in the back, and we drove the several miles from the village to the monastery.The great gate, electrically controlled, rolled open, we drove through, and it closed upon me.For seven years!

SUDDENLY my heart is moved to radically change this chapter from the original and detailed notes. The original notes cover the full seven years in a manner and detail which reads now, frankly, as a sort of tiresome seventies style rant, the kind we have all been subjected to ad nauseam by countless ex-priests and nuns.

That is not the point of this work, nor would such writing be, frankly, honest.

No, rather my heart is moved to approach those years from the heart of true monastic desert experience itself!

 SO, YES I could spend pages writing minutely about those seven years, the details of monastic life, the impact of the unfolding Second Vatican Council and its aftermath, the loosening, the abandoning of critical aspects of monastic life, tradition, culture, the rapid deterioration of Roman Catholic religious life in general and the flood of departures.But that is not what is in my heart.There is no better text with which to begin the reflections upon the essence of those seven years than this from Paul Evdokimov:

POETS sing of the marvel of a glance that is always unique. The destiny of each one also seems unique. There exists, however, a certain correspondence between the phases of each spiritual life as in the rhythm of different ages. An element remains constant, around which the destiny of each human life is formed. The circumstances change, but the spiritual theme, personal for each one, remains identical through all disguises. Its call and the unavoidable exigency of an answer, this combination of what is given and what is desired, constitute what the Gospel calls, the personal cross of each man. It is inscribed within us at birth; no power can change it. ‘ Which of you being anxious about it can add to his stature a single cubit? ‘ [Mt.6:27]

Whether in the heart of a great city or in the midst of a desert, we cannot flee from this personal theme of our life. It accompanies us and speaks to us at every turning in our road. We can answer differently each time and change our course in one direction or another. We can marry or become monks; we can, like Spinoza, polish lenses or repair shoes like Jacob Boehme. The question, our question, remains identical and fixed in us as a constituent element of our being; it is no longer a question, it is ourselves who are involved.

To understand our ‘cross’ is to foresee the facts of our destiny, to decipher its meaning; it is to understand ourselves. The spiritual life does this; it introduces order, reveals the rhythm of its own growth, and requires a progressive advance. [ag]

 Read too quickly or with a modern western mind that quotation may appear to some as akin to a ‘karma’ or ‘fatalist’ or ‘predestination’ notion of the human person and appear to limit the possibility of any soul ever being freed from some inevitable destiny not of its own choosing.False!Here it is first of all important to hear the voice of Holy Mother the Church Herself:

GOD PREDESTINES NO ONE TO GO TO HELL; for this, a wilful turning away from God ( a mortal sin ) is necessary, and persistence in it until the end. In the Eucharistic liturgy and in the daily prayers of her faithful, the Church implored the mercy of God, who does not want “ any to perish, but all to come to repentance. “ {2Pt.3:9}

Father, accept this offering from Your whole family. Grant us Your peace in this life, save us from final damnation, and count us among those You have chosen. [ah]

 So what then can be drawn from the teaching of Evdokimov and my monastic interlude?What first comes to my heart is that we are deeply affected by the specifics of our ancestral, national, cultural, religious, and family-specific heritage and upbringing.  More and more, both in spirituality and basic psychology, we understand the profound effects of how we develop in early life as a child.This affects both our emotional and spiritual development and the way, therefore, that we make choices, relate to others, self and, of course, to God and the things of God.This is a fundamental dimension of what Evdokimov refers to as the personal cross of each one of us.For example: unresolved childhood fears deeply affect the adult and perhaps there is nothing the adult tries…not therapy…not drugs…seemingly not even prayer or sacraments…which heal this particular fear.Now the adult can fall into the cycle of anger and depression and the ‘why me’ OR embrace the cross, like Jesus in the Garden, faithfully asking always for healing but surrendering to the mysterious yet always tenderly loving will of the Father which permits this suffering.A dear friend of mine suffered terrible panic attacks most of his entire adult life which nothing seemed to avail and then a couple of years before his death in an instant they were gone.For most of my monastic life the things about my personality which had been such a source of confusion and fear were mute and I was able, surrounded by very holy, chaste, wise, hard-working fellow monks, to lead that life with inner peace and joy. However, as Evdokimov notes: we can’t flee from this personal theme in our lives.The essence of all human destinies is unity with the Blessed Trinity in and through unity with Christ.That is the common theme in the life of every created human being…we have come from the heart of the Trinity and a return to the heart of the Trinity is our true destiny.All else is, ultimately, and without repentance, eternally, an aberration.Steeped in the ebb and flow of the certainty of the daily monastic routine, bathed in the melodies and import of the chanting, [in Latin-Gregorian-chant], of the Divine Office, disciplined by the manual labour and spiritual reading, nourished through the sacraments, especially daily Holy Mass and Holy Communion, unbeknownst to the Abbot and my confessor, I was, however, in an albeit gentle, but prolonged, flight from self.Hence, flight from the cross.The purpose of the cross is not in our lives, per se, punitive, for Jesus took ultimate punishment upon Himself for us, but rather purifying, through the death of the false self, the sinful, deviant, self. Our true destiny is to become more and more converted, transfigured in the depths of our being to Christ until Christ is our all and we are all in Him.This means extreme humility, which itself is a grace of illumination of conscience wherein we see ourselves as truly in need of redemption.Only when we truly cry out: LORD JESUS CHRIST, SON OF THE LIVING GOD, HAVE MERCY ON ME A SINNER, will we begin to become true Disciples of Christ, and truly the person we have been created to be.Monastic life in particular, the consecrated/ordained life, sacramental marriage, whatever the will of the Father is for the unique soul, these are the roads which lead to union with Him on the Cross, in the tomb, in Resurrection.But it is NOT the road itself which leads to liberation and transfiguration, rather it is Christ, and unless we walk the road of our lives in union with Him then the road may become a fast-track to no-where and we are lost.Monastic life, being, at least as it was in those days, a way and place of living totally cut-off from the concerns of the world, though at the same time a living powerhouse of intercessory prayer for those living in the world, is a place where the struggle with self and with God, spiritual warfare, the striving to open wide all the doors of one’s being to Christ, is the fundamental purpose of each living moment.This should be true for every human being, especially for every Christian, no matter the ‘ place ‘ or condition of our living.

GIVE ME a man who above all loves God with all his heart, himself and his neighbour in that they love God; but his enemy as one who will one day love perhaps; his parents who begot him with a warm natural love, but his spiritual teachers the more because of grace. Let him deal similarly with the other things of God in an orderly, loving way, despising the earth, looking up to heaven, using this world as if not using it {1Cor.7:31}, and discriminating between what is used and what enjoyed, by the experience of his mind. Let him treat transitory things as passing, necessary for the moment; let him cling to eternal things with an enduring desire. Give me such a man, I say, and I will boldly call him wise, because he recognizes things for what they really are, because he can truly and confidently claim, ‘ He has ordained love in me ‘ (Sg.ofSg.2:4). But where is he, and where will he be found? I ask in tears {Phil.3:18}, how long shall we scent and not taste, seeing our homeland far off, not possessing it but sighing for it. O Truth, fatherland of exiles, end of their exile! I see you, imprisoned in flesh, I may not enter. Muddy with sins, I cannot be admitted. O Wisdom, stretching from end to end, establishing and ordering everything (Wis.8:1), and arranging all things sweetly by enhancing feeling and making it orderly, guide what we do as your everlasting truth requires, so that each of us may securely glory in you and say, ‘ He ordained love in me ‘ (Sg. Of Sg.2:4). For You are the strength of God and the Wisdom of God (1Cor.1:24), Christ, the Bridegroom of the Church and our Lord, God blessed forever. Amen. (Rm.1:25).[ai]

 By the end of the Second Vatican Council and the rapid pace of so-called reform, a painful issue not germane to discuss here in general, there came soon radical changes in all of monastic life, change in the daily routine, how we lived, dressed, ate and eventually countless numbers of monks began leaving and our own monastery was not spared.Vocations seemed to dwindle the more the world and cares and ideas of the world were allowed to penetrate and eventually our numbers were so reduced the Abbot had no choice but to employ ever greater numbers of secular workers, since the remaining monks were too few, and in the main too elderly, to carry on.Being young and strong I naturally found myself spending more time working along side these hired men than with my brother monks.Slowly at first, then more rapidly, I began to become more like them and less like the other monks.When I became aware of this and what it was doing to me spiritually and emotionally I asked to be sent to a therapist but was denied. In those days there was still, in religious circles, a great suspicion of psychiatry.Old emotions, old sexual stirring surfaced and while I did not act on them the inner turmoil began to affect the way I lived.I began skipping the Divine Office, then meals, eating with the men rather than the monks, finding more and more reasons to wear secular clothing and find things to do out of sight of the monastery. I began to smoke again and drink and eventually, with no prior warning or discussion, the Abbot summoned me to his office one day and told me I’d be on the train in the morning, I was being expelled.

IN EVERY Christian life there is a sacred domain of nascent growth in which dwells Christ — a domain in which we are more firmly rooted than we are in our own. There He works and grows, takes possession of our being, draws our strength toward Himself, penetrates our thoughts and volition, and sways our emotions and sentiments, so that the word of the Apostle comes true: ‘ it is now no longer I that live, but Christ lives in me.’ [aj]

Sometimes in life is it difficult to believe indeed that in the depths of an immediate impact upon us of some traumatic event which has all the appearance and taste of gall, the stench of death, Christ is at work.